Week 3 and 4: Ready to Die

For the second time in three weeks, I wasn’t anywhere near a computer on Sunday, and of course I was too lazy to do anything before then, so once again, my picks went unpublished. But once again, you’ll have to trust me; I did, in fact, make my picks. And, well, once again, I wasn’t very good. Oh well. Before I state those, I’ll briefly mention that I was 7-7-1 in week 2, which made me 15-15-1 on the season. So here was week three. Victories are bolded.

ATLANTA (-6.5) over Kansas City
BUFFALO(-9.5) over Oakland
CHICAGO (-3.0) over Tampa Bay
Carolina (+3.0) over MINNESOTA
NEW ENGLAND (-12.0) over Miami
NY GIANTS (-13.0) over Cincinnati
TENNESSEE (-4.5) over Houston
Arizona (+3.0) over WASHINGTON
SAN FRANCISCO (-5.0) over Detroit
SEATTLE (-9.5) over St. Louis
DENVER (-5.5) over New Orleans
PHILADELPHIA (-3.5) over Pittsburgh
Jacksonville (+4.5) over INDY
BALTIMORE (-2.0) over Cleveland
GREEN BAY (+3.0) over Dallas
NY Jets (+8.5) over SAN DIEGO

Unfortunately, my symmetry was disrupted last week. Rather, it was back to old times again, as I went below .500 for the first time. I’m only 22-24-1, but expect that gap to widen, particularly since this season looks a little wacky. The worst thing about being stuck around .500 is that I can’t really implement my Costanza Plan (do everything the opposite of what I think) to much significant success. Let’s look at week 4.

TENNESSEE (-3) over Minnesota
Things that are frustrating:
1. Drafting New England’s defense four rounds before Tennessee’s defense got picked.
2. Having Chris Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis and Darren Sproles on the same team, only being able to start two of them, and not having any WRs with more than 6 points.
3. Being in last place in my fantasy league.

Denver (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY
Things that are nice:
1. Being rewarded for taking a chance on Jay Cutler as my QB. Fuck yeah.

San Francisco (+4) over NEW ORLEANS
I could’ve sworn J.T. O’Sullivan was the defensive lineman the Saints drafted in the first round a bunch of years ago, then traded to the Pats for Bethel Johnson, but neither guy panned out, so it was a useless trade. But apparently, this isn’t the same guy.

NY JETS (-1) over Arizona
Oh, it was Johnathan Sullivan. Okay, then. Man, that guy sucked.

Green Bay (+1.5) over TAMPA BAY
This is a tough one. But I’m sticking with Green Bay. Sorry, that’s all the analysis I got. Actually, if you’re looking for analysis, I recommend Vince Verhei’s new sports show on F4Wonline.com. You have to pay for it, unfortunately, but if you like wrasslin, you should have a subscription to that site anyway.

CAROLINA (-6.5) over Atlanta
No one seems to believe in Atlanta. And, well, I’m not one to march to my own drum. One thing that’s a good sign about this week is that I’m unsure of most of these games. Whenever I’m confident in the result, or when it seems pretty obvious, I always fail miserably. Maybe that’s a good omen.

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Houston
Sorry, not much to say about this one. It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I really don’t have any insight on most of this shit. Sorry. Besides, since when did my rationalizations mean anything?

Cleveland (+3.5) over CINCINNATI
I can’t wait for Chad Johnson to be good again. My fantasy team would really appreciate that. Once that happens, I’ll refer to him by his new last name again. Until then, you’re stuck being plain, boring old Johnson.

San Diego (-7.5) over OAKLAND
I like how, in week 2, I not only picked Kansas City to destroy Oakland, I even picked up their defense, because I thought JaMarcus Russel was gonna be awful. And, well, he’s not awful. But he’s not too great either. Also, since I’m going back and forth between self-deprecation and fantasy bullshit, thanks a lot to LaDanian Tomlinson for turning in two shitty weeks, causing me to bench him last week and pick up Darren Sproles in case LaTom was hurt, and then finally turn in a good performance. That’s not the first time you haven’t come through when people really needed you to, Ladanian.

Buffalo (+8) over ST. LOUIS
This seems like one of those traps, where you bet against the awful team no matter how bad they are, because they’re just that bad. But Trent Green really hasn’t been that good in a long time. Oh man, remember when Herm Edwards inexplicably started Green in that playoff game against the Colts in 2007, even though Huard had been solid in relief of Green, and Green sucked in the games he had come back from, and then the Chiefs got blown out because the Colts defense, which sucked at the time, didn’t worry about Green at all and just concentrated on stopping Larry Johnson? Heh… good times. Anyway, yeah. Starting Trent Green = not a good idea. He wasn’t the problem.

DALLAS (-10.5) over Washington
I just saw a picture of T.O. with his shirt off. I’m not gay, but man, that dude is cut. Then again, every time I’m at a wrestling show, the first things I notice on a guy are his size, build and tan. And whenever I watch old hockey games, I tend to comment on the uniforms first. So maybe I am.

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO
This seems like one of those games where it’ll go to overtime, and I’ll just be pissed, because unless Philly scored on some fluke interception or punt return for a TD, I’d have to just give up because I couldn’t win. Maybe I should change my mind. Nah. I’m sure they’ll win on a fluke interception or punt return for a TD in overtime.

Baltimore (+5) over PITTSBURGH
Okay, so like, last Halloween, I went to a party dressed as my friend Joel, who is a Ravens fan. And I had my Kyle Boller jersey, and I kept yelling “WHO WANTS TO RIDE THE BOLLERCOASTER?!” and no one cared, primarily because Joel didn’t end up coming to the party, so only a few people got the joke. Anyway, last month, I’m in DC, and Joel comes over, so I brought out the Boller jersey, and I start shouting “WHO WANTS TO RIDE THE BOLLERCOASTER?!” a lot. And everyone laughs and says “Bollercoaster! Why didn’t I think of that!” And the moral of my story is, there’s a lot of shitty newspapers out there who have stupid, shitty titles for their front page stories with some lame pun. Some papers have two, one for the news and one for the sports back page. You know, like “ODRAMA” instead of Obama, or “WHAT AN ASS-TRO!” when Clemens signed with Houston. And you’re telling me no one came up with “BOLLERCOASTER”? Was Kyle Boller really that bad? I guess so.