Week 3 and 4: Ready to Die

For the second time in three weeks, I wasn’t anywhere near a computer on Sunday, and of course I was too lazy to do anything before then, so once again, my picks went unpublished. But once again, you’ll have to trust me; I did, in fact, make my picks. And, well, once again, I wasn’t very good. Oh well. Before I state those, I’ll briefly mention that I was 7-7-1 in week 2, which made me 15-15-1 on the season. So here was week three. Victories are bolded.

ATLANTA (-6.5) over Kansas City
BUFFALO(-9.5) over Oakland
CHICAGO (-3.0) over Tampa Bay
Carolina (+3.0) over MINNESOTA
NEW ENGLAND (-12.0) over Miami
NY GIANTS (-13.0) over Cincinnati
TENNESSEE (-4.5) over Houston
Arizona (+3.0) over WASHINGTON
SAN FRANCISCO (-5.0) over Detroit
SEATTLE (-9.5) over St. Louis
DENVER (-5.5) over New Orleans
PHILADELPHIA (-3.5) over Pittsburgh
Jacksonville (+4.5) over INDY
BALTIMORE (-2.0) over Cleveland
GREEN BAY (+3.0) over Dallas
NY Jets (+8.5) over SAN DIEGO

Unfortunately, my symmetry was disrupted last week. Rather, it was back to old times again, as I went below .500 for the first time. I’m only 22-24-1, but expect that gap to widen, particularly since this season looks a little wacky. The worst thing about being stuck around .500 is that I can’t really implement my Costanza Plan (do everything the opposite of what I think) to much significant success. Let’s look at week 4.

TENNESSEE (-3) over Minnesota
Things that are frustrating:
1. Drafting New England’s defense four rounds before Tennessee’s defense got picked.
2. Having Chris Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis and Darren Sproles on the same team, only being able to start two of them, and not having any WRs with more than 6 points.
3. Being in last place in my fantasy league.

Denver (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY
Things that are nice:
1. Being rewarded for taking a chance on Jay Cutler as my QB. Fuck yeah.

San Francisco (+4) over NEW ORLEANS
I could’ve sworn J.T. O’Sullivan was the defensive lineman the Saints drafted in the first round a bunch of years ago, then traded to the Pats for Bethel Johnson, but neither guy panned out, so it was a useless trade. But apparently, this isn’t the same guy.

NY JETS (-1) over Arizona
Oh, it was Johnathan Sullivan. Okay, then. Man, that guy sucked.

Green Bay (+1.5) over TAMPA BAY
This is a tough one. But I’m sticking with Green Bay. Sorry, that’s all the analysis I got. Actually, if you’re looking for analysis, I recommend Vince Verhei’s new sports show on F4Wonline.com. You have to pay for it, unfortunately, but if you like wrasslin, you should have a subscription to that site anyway.

CAROLINA (-6.5) over Atlanta
No one seems to believe in Atlanta. And, well, I’m not one to march to my own drum. One thing that’s a good sign about this week is that I’m unsure of most of these games. Whenever I’m confident in the result, or when it seems pretty obvious, I always fail miserably. Maybe that’s a good omen.

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Houston
Sorry, not much to say about this one. It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I really don’t have any insight on most of this shit. Sorry. Besides, since when did my rationalizations mean anything?

Cleveland (+3.5) over CINCINNATI
I can’t wait for Chad Johnson to be good again. My fantasy team would really appreciate that. Once that happens, I’ll refer to him by his new last name again. Until then, you’re stuck being plain, boring old Johnson.

San Diego (-7.5) over OAKLAND
I like how, in week 2, I not only picked Kansas City to destroy Oakland, I even picked up their defense, because I thought JaMarcus Russel was gonna be awful. And, well, he’s not awful. But he’s not too great either. Also, since I’m going back and forth between self-deprecation and fantasy bullshit, thanks a lot to LaDanian Tomlinson for turning in two shitty weeks, causing me to bench him last week and pick up Darren Sproles in case LaTom was hurt, and then finally turn in a good performance. That’s not the first time you haven’t come through when people really needed you to, Ladanian.

Buffalo (+8) over ST. LOUIS
This seems like one of those traps, where you bet against the awful team no matter how bad they are, because they’re just that bad. But Trent Green really hasn’t been that good in a long time. Oh man, remember when Herm Edwards inexplicably started Green in that playoff game against the Colts in 2007, even though Huard had been solid in relief of Green, and Green sucked in the games he had come back from, and then the Chiefs got blown out because the Colts defense, which sucked at the time, didn’t worry about Green at all and just concentrated on stopping Larry Johnson? Heh… good times. Anyway, yeah. Starting Trent Green = not a good idea. He wasn’t the problem.

DALLAS (-10.5) over Washington
I just saw a picture of T.O. with his shirt off. I’m not gay, but man, that dude is cut. Then again, every time I’m at a wrestling show, the first things I notice on a guy are his size, build and tan. And whenever I watch old hockey games, I tend to comment on the uniforms first. So maybe I am.

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO
This seems like one of those games where it’ll go to overtime, and I’ll just be pissed, because unless Philly scored on some fluke interception or punt return for a TD, I’d have to just give up because I couldn’t win. Maybe I should change my mind. Nah. I’m sure they’ll win on a fluke interception or punt return for a TD in overtime.

Baltimore (+5) over PITTSBURGH
Okay, so like, last Halloween, I went to a party dressed as my friend Joel, who is a Ravens fan. And I had my Kyle Boller jersey, and I kept yelling “WHO WANTS TO RIDE THE BOLLERCOASTER?!” and no one cared, primarily because Joel didn’t end up coming to the party, so only a few people got the joke. Anyway, last month, I’m in DC, and Joel comes over, so I brought out the Boller jersey, and I start shouting “WHO WANTS TO RIDE THE BOLLERCOASTER?!” a lot. And everyone laughs and says “Bollercoaster! Why didn’t I think of that!” And the moral of my story is, there’s a lot of shitty newspapers out there who have stupid, shitty titles for their front page stories with some lame pun. Some papers have two, one for the news and one for the sports back page. You know, like “ODRAMA” instead of Obama, or “WHAT AN ASS-TRO!” when Clemens signed with Houston. And you’re telling me no one came up with “BOLLERCOASTER”? Was Kyle Boller really that bad? I guess so.

Week 1 and 2: No Buns Allowed

Okay, so honestly, I did make my picks for last week. But I had no means of posting them. So you’ll just have to take my word on it. My picks, in a nutshell, with the wins in bold:

Detroit (-3) over ATLANTA
Seattle (+1) over BUFFALO
MIAMI (+3) over NY Jets
NEW ENGLAND (-15.5) over Kansas City
NEW ORLEANS (-3) over Tampa Bay
PHILADELPHIA (-8.5) over St. Louis
Houston (+6.5) over PITTSBURGH
Jacksonville (-3) over TENNESSEE
BALTIMORE (-2) over Cincinnati
SAN DIEGO (-9) over Carolina
Arizona (-2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Dallas (-6) over CLEVELAND
Chicago (+9.5) over INDIANAPOLIS
GREEN BAY (-2) over Minnesota
Denver (-3) over OAKLAND

Now seriously, if I was making those up, would I really have picked Miami over the Jets? Or the Texans over the Steelers? With Thursday’s game (a loss… stupid Giants), I finished the week 8-8, which could’ve been much worse, considering how the day games worked out for me.

Now for Week 2. My Patriots are without Tom Brady, but lets be honest, here. They still have Randy Moss, a pretty decent defense, and a ridiculously easy schedule. They’re winning at least 10 games. It’ll take a meltdown of epic proportions for them not to make the playoffs. As to whether or not they can get past the first round, well… we’ll see. I’m not holding my breath. But that’s 16 weeks from now. This is now-now.

Green Bay (-3) over DETROIT
I have a friend who is a Vikings fan, and I’d certainly like to see something nice happen to Minnesota after they watched KG win a ring for another team and are probably about to watch Torii Hunter and Johan Santana get further in the playoffs then the Twins. I’m pulling for them in the NFC. But I also really want the Packers to make the Super Bowl, just so I can watch those shithead Packers fans pretend like they supported Aaron Rodgers all along. Come on, fellas, we all heard you booing him in that preseason game.

KANSAS CITY (-3.5) over Oakland
Wow, what a matchup. I can kinda understand why the Pirates and Royals always suck despite getting good draft picks. The MLB draft is a crapshoot; guys you pick up are years away from contributing, and sometimes they just don’t pan out. Which isn’t to say its not their fault, but hey, I guess they’re just unlucky. But how are the Raiders still this awful? I mean, they get top picks every year, and they still have embarrassing games like last week. And its not like the Tuck Game singlehandedly changed their fortunes overnight. They made the Super Bowl the next year. Then they just suddenly sucked. Amazing.

NY Giants (-8.5) over ST. LOUIS
You know what’s funny about my gambling strategy? Last week, I picked against the Giants, because I figured they were ready for a disappointing season. Now, I don’t think they would’ve gone 0-16. But because I pictured bad things for them, I think I probably would’ve bet against them every single week, much like I’ve done with Indy over the last few years. Fortunately, I realized how stupid this was. I still don’t think they’re coming close to the playoffs in that division, but come on, the Rams suck.

MINNESOTA (+1.5) over Indianapolis
What was that about always picking against the Colts? God, Tavaris Jackson is awful. Could you imagine that team with someone even halfway decent? Why didn’t they make a move for Chris Simms? I mean, he’s not the greatest QB ever, but my Giants fan friend who loves Phil Simms says he’s awesome. So it must be true. Also, I know it’s been said by a lot of people, but seriously, what the hell happened to that Marvin Harrison gun story? It got buried faster than Brian Kendrick in that Scramble Match last weekend when Triple H came out and pinned him twice.

Tennessee (+1) over CINCINNATI
For my fantasy team, I certainly hope Cincy figures it out soon. But seriously, favored by one? Did they not even watch last week? Watch me be completely wrong on this one. I’m guessing its related to this whole Vince Young business. Now, I have nothing against Vince Young, other than he murdered my fantasy team last year. But this story is equally amazing and hilarious. I hope he doesn’t kill himself, honest, but seriously, wouldn’t that just be the craziest story ever? Remember when he almost took the Titans to the playoffs in his rookie year and Pacman was the most dangerous weapon on special teams in the league? Doesn’t that seem like eight years ago? When will I stop asking rhetorical questions?

New Orleans (PK) over WASHINGTON
Look, I can’t even begin to imagine what going through a major hurricane is like, especially if you live in New Orleans. But someone last week had a sign that had a checklist, and Gustav was crossed off, and Tampa was crossed off as well, as if to say “we beat Gustav, now we beat Tampa”. But come on, you didn’t beat Gustav. You can’t beat a hurricane. If you have cancer, and your body manages to fight it off and it goes into remission, even if you physically didn’t do anything to beat it, you still beat cancer. Your body fought it off. Congratulations. But if you get hit by a deadly hurricane, and you survive it, you didn’t beat shit. You were simply lucky the hurricane wasn’t worse. The only thing you did was not do stupid things that would insure your death from a hurricane. Just sayin’. Also, the Redskins aren’t good.

CAROLINA (-3) over Chicago
Nice to see ESPN’s Daily Lines page still hasn’t fixed that glitch where it refers to every team by their city name except the Bears, whom they just call BEARS. Bears mentioning. Also, nice to see Jake Delhomme back in the saddle after I drafted him the last three years thinking it would be his big comeback. Thanks, Jake. I had to reach for Matt Hasselbeck’s broken spine way too early as a backup because I still don’t trust you.

Buffalo (+4.5) over JACKSONVILLE
Another head scratcher. Buffalo won last week. Jacksonville lost. Why is Jacksonville favored by more than a field goal? I dunno. I’m sure I’ll be wrong on this, too.

SEATTLE (-6.5) over San Francisco
I’m sure I’ll regret this one. But not as much as I’d regret actually watching this game. God, what an awful game this will be.

Atlanta (+7) over TAMPA BAY
Here’s another wacky one. This is the third one where the team who lost is favored over the team that won. Chances are, not all three are right, but if I bet against all three, surely I can at least get one of them. I am so smart.

NY JETS (-1.5) over New England
It hurts a little, just because usually when I bet against the Pats, its only for their huge-point underdog opponents to cover. Those days appear to be over, for this season, at least. The worst thing is, Favre’s gonna have a killer game, too. And lord knows I’ve heard enough of Brett Fucking Favre. Watching Monday Night and hearing the announcers gush over the guy who wasn’t even there, you’d think the guy won 13 Super Bowls and threw eight touchdowns per game. Come on, guys. It’s Brett Favre. He’ll be a liability in the playoffs this year, just like he’s been the last decade. Although for this week, if you have Jerricho Cotchery, start that motherfucker. He kills the Pats. Just murders them.

Miami (+6.5) over ARIZONA
Don’t ask why. I believe in Miami this year. To finish with more than 4 wins, that is. And who knows, maybe they don’t win this week, but hopefully they can keep it close. Remember when Chad Pennington was the next Tom Brady? Heh.

DENVER (PK) over San Diego
This pick surely has nothing to do with the fact that I drafted Jay Cutler way too high and am now banking on him repeating that Week 1 performance every week. I also have Tomlinson, but I’m not worried about him. He’ll get his yards in the regular season, then sulk on the bench in the playoffs, just like the guy I love. But come on, Cutler. You gotta pull through for me. I’m tired of settling for Matt Hasselbeck.

CLEVELAND (+6) over Pittsburgh
This pick really makes no sense. But I love Romeo Crennel. So that has to count for something.

Hurricane Ike (-4) over RELIANT STADIUM
But seriously, folks. Doesn’t it suck to be the Ravens and Texans right now? You gameplan and practice all week in the middle of a hurricane, then the game gets called off, and they reschedule it during your bye week, so the only days off you get this season are Sunday, Monday and Tuesday this week. I know these guys make a lot of money, but really, that sucks.

Philadelphia (+7) over DALLAS
This game should be awesome. But 7 seems too high for a game that should be as close as this. Also, isn’t it crazy that, with Brady going down and Manning struggling, you can make a case after this week for McNabb being the best QB in the league? Fuck, man. Good for him. Although really, he’s right back where he was a bunch of years ago, with no quality receivers once again. That sucks.

We interrupt this nerd shit for…

… NFL predictions! Expect the last chapter of the Otakon diaries in a day or two.

AFC

East: Patriots
South: Colts
West: Chargers
North: Ravens
WC: Jets, Jaguars

NFC

East: Cowboys
South: Saints
West: Seahawks
North: Packers
WC: Eagles, Cardinals

MVP: LaDanian Tomlinson

UNBIASED, COMPLETELY OBJECTIVE SUPER BOWL PREDICTION
Patriots over Packers

Also, because of the wacky Thursday game…

Washington (+4.5) over NY GIANTS

Rest of the picks coming soon.