Week 4: Fire in the… Taco Beeal

I really do want to update this site more often. I certainly should offer more to a viewer than just Tuesday Night Titans and NFL predictions. Even if it’s just one column a week on Thursday nights, which is currently the plan, I really do intend on increasing my output by 50%… I think that’s correct. Home team in CAPS.

Indianapolis (-8.5) over NY JETS
Wait, did Duke Davis actually learn his lesson and pick the Colts? Well, only because I hate the Jets. Which is wierd, because over the whole Belichick dynasty, the Pats’ games against the Jets have been relatively tame. I mean, the most important game of the whole dynasty, when Mo Lewis knocked out Bledsoe, was against the Jets, but every other game has just been relatively boring. Compare that to Miami, whom every time the Pats play them, they always put on a good show. Only the Broncos have beat the Pats more times since 2002 than the Dolphins, and the other games are almost always exciting. But, yeah, I don’t like the Jets.

CAROLINA (-7) over New Orleans
There’s been nothing more frustrating on my fantasy team than my failure to have a #2 runningback. Tomlinson is great, but I picked up DeShaun Foster and Ruben Droughns in hopes that either one or the other would be as good as they were last year. And of course, both aren’t getting anything done. I actually like the Saints this season, but I think Carolina is due for some sort of dominating win. I hope.

BALTIMORE (+2) over San Diego
The Ravens have to be exposed eventually. But I’m going to ride this wave for as long as I can, or at least, until I fall off my radical skateboard and get impaled in the leg with a sharp piece of coral. SURF’S UP, DUDE!!! WOOOAAAHHHH!!!

Miami (-3.5) over HOUSTON
I didn’t believe the hype about Miami taking the East from the Patriots. I even picked the almost impossible scenario of two teams from the same division taking the wild card over Miami sneaking in. But I didn’t expect them to be this bad. I’ll take my chances with them against Houston though. Yes, the same Houston team I thought could hang within 14 points of Indy. Okay, so I’m a little inconsistent. No biggie.

Arizona (+7.5) over ATLANTA
I was very close to picking Atlanta here, just because I though they had a good chance to rebound at home against an ugly (and some may say scripted) loss against the Saints. But Arizona has to look good at some point this year, don’t they? Actually, I’m only taking them because 7.5 seems too high.

Minnesota (PK) over BUFFALO
I don’t know what to think about either of these teams. JP Losman is getting the win, but I’m not sure if he’s getting the win. Or rather, he’s getting the win. One or the other.

TENNESSEE (+9) over Dallas
I really have no idea what to think about this whole TO thing. The wierd thing to think about is; imagine if TO’s publicist doesn’t stop by that night or whatever. TO overdoses/has an allergic reaction to his painkillers and drops dead. The next morning, TO’s body is found with an empty bottle of pills next to him. Does suicide ever enter the equation? If the autopsy shows he overdoses, does the media call him a junkie and he joins the ranks of guys like Lyle Alzado? Do they call it an accident, and TO becomes an enigma? What if it’s an allergic reaction? Is it a tragedy and all of TO’s sins are forgiven? Its just wierd that the story got so much attention once he told the cops he was trying to hurt himself. I really still don’t have any idea what happened. I mean, if it was an accident or a reaction, why did he tell the cops otherwise? I just don’t get it. But yeah, line’s too high, and I have a good feeling about Vince Young’s debut. Not his career, but his debut.

San Francisco (+7) over KANSAS CITY
I wish I drafted Frank Gore.

ST. LOUIS (-5.5) over Detroit
This seems too good to be true. But I’m not complaining. Unless it’s a trap.

Jacksonville (-3) over WASHINGTON
I knew I wasn’t an idiot for thinking Jacksonville could keep it close last week against Indy. Although I thought they’d actually win, so I was only half-not-idiot.

Cleveland (-3) over OAKLAND
I suppose this would be the 1 in Oakland’s eventual 1-15 record on the season… but I think they might find a way to go 0-16. Not because they suck. But because it looks like they don’t care about not sucking.

New England (+5.5) over CINCINATTI
I usually don’t believe in streaks too often, like when people said/say “The Red Sox have never beat the Yankees when it matters, so why now?” and “The Mets have never pitched a no-hitter, so why now?”. I think it’s simple, lazy thinking… although it didn’t stop me from picking the Pats despite logic last year against Indy. But anyway, people are chirping about the Pats never losing two in a row since 2002, so why stop now? Well, I don’t think there’s a supernatural force in charge keeping the streak alive or anything, but I don’t think the Bengals will run too wild on the Pats. They might or probably will win, but if they do, I can’t imagine it being by more than 4. Should be a nice, close, fun game.

CHICAGO (+3.5) over Seattle
I like that little .5 at the end. It’s cute. And it makes my decision a lot easier.

Green Bay (+11) over PHILADELPHIA
I don’t think the Packers will win. But 11 seems mighty high for a team who sucks in the second half against a QB whose only value is in garbage time.

TNT: Shut up and JAM!!!

In Football: 9-4-1 on the week, 25-19-1 on the year. Finally, a victory. I had to swallow my pride and watch the Pats get fooked by the Broncos, but my “hunch” about the Saints was correct, even if everyone else fell for it too.

What are ya watchin?: Jesus is Magic should be here by tomorrow, and so should Hero with Jet Li. I really want to see Jackass 2 as soon as possible as well. And The Protector. And Fearless.

What are ya playin?: Okami. Very fun, beautiful game. Takes a while to get going (there’s an opening 18-minute cutscene with no voice acting… takes a bit out of you), but it very fun to play.

What are ya hearin?: Straight Outta Lynwood, the new Weird Al album. Very, very good. The second song, Pancreas, isn’t very great, or at least, it’s not my style, so I started to worry. But everything afterwards is just absoultely excellent. There’s a RATM style parody, a Trapped in the Closet parody which is truly amazing, and the polka medley is good as usual. The album also has six videos included plus studio footage that does a good job of showing how much of a musical genius Al really is. Or at least, I’m pretty sure he is.

Now Surfing on the Intertron: Am I the only person disappointed with Lowtax and everyone else’s showing in their Uwe Boll invitational? I mean, if I knew I was going to fight Uwe Boll (or anyone I even mildly dislike) in a boxing match, I’d train like a motherfucker for conditioning and technique and all that shit, just for a chance to knock out a shitty director who makes a medium I enjoy into a joke. Of course, knowing how much of a dick he is now even more after this whole thing, I’d like to attempt to kick his ass as well. Those of you who know me know I’m not a violent person, and I almost never see a person on TV and say “I swear, I’d kick that guy’s ass”. But this whole thing just plain pisses me off… not quite sure why.

Pressing sports current event: A discussion about this past Monday’s game, in which a few people thought the NFL rigged it so the Saints would win, led to the shocking revelation that some people think Super Bowl XXXVI was rigged for the Patriots to win after September 11th. And Jesus Christ did I get pissed. If you actually think that the NFL would think that the Patriots, the NFL equivalent to the Devil Rays or Trailblazers, could somehow become a marketable, inspirational force, you’re crazy. The rest of the country hates the Pats. They’re boring, they’re uncontroversial, they’re unremarkable. They almost never blow anyone out, they tend to keep games with bad teams close, and it’s hard to accurately predict anything they do. Which is why, for the 12th straight week I’m saying this, I’m not too worried about them. I don’t think the lack of a dominant wide reciever, while certainly not very helpful, won’t hurt them very much either, as long as they get something out of Maroney and Dillon, who hopefully isn’t hurt. Brady certainly hasn’t been sucking by any means, the linebackers and D-line’s been great, and the secondary is certainly making a little bit of progress. So yeah, they looked pretty bad against the Broncos, but with that schedule, I wouldn’t bet on it happening too many more times.

In my fantasies: Ladanian Tomlinson is very valuable to a fantasy team. But apparently, not as much as John Goddamn Kasay. Although it’s hard to compare the two when LadTom has the week off and DeShaun Foster and Cedric Benson both feel like also taking the week off despite having a game on the schedule. Fuckin John Kasay. At least he shanked that kickoff in Super Bowl XXXVII. So I guess I still owe him.

Week 3: Presented in Glorious ExtraColor

Sitting at 16-16, I find myself at a crossroads. Should I take more chances? Should I take less? Should I stop being so confident in the Cardinals and Panthers? Should I just be a man and pick the Colts to win every once in a while? The decision: Nothing… just gonna keep doing what I do. Until I’m 22-24, in which case, I’ll sound the alarm. Home team in CAPS.

Tennessee(+10.5) over MIAMI
Daunte couldn’t possibly be this bad, could he? I almost drafted this guy in the first round last year… now he’s playing like me in Madden 06… which I’m terrible at, if you didn’t catch my easy drift. Tennessee’s not much better; they certainly aren’t Buffalo, but I’m really not sure Miami can run it up on them.

Chicago (-4) over MINNESOTA
ESPN’s lines site has this really annoying thing where every team is listed by city except Chicago, who for some reason always shows up as the Bears. Really annoying, I tell you. I’m making this bet only off what I know; that Chicago’s looking good so far (even if it is against bad teams). I have no idea what Minny’s doing good with other than Chester Taylor. So call me shallow.

Carolina (-4) over TAMPA BAY
Well, I’m still leaning on Carolina. That’s not good. And that play against Minny last week with the pass on the punt return was pretty silly; it would’ve been great if it worked, but it was just a tad risky considering the score and field position. But Tampa looked pretty damn bad too last week.

Washington (-4) over HOUSTON
After giving the Texans a little too much faith in keeping it within 2 touchdowns last week against Indy, I’m back to my sane self again… when it comes to the Texans, that is.

BUFFALO (-6) over NY Jets
Hey, I’m betting on a home team! Alright! I think the Jets’ little comeback last week was a little fluky… although, once again, I’m a tad biased. And while I’m still not convinced about JP Losman, the defense is keeping them in games.

Cincinatti (+1.5) over PITTSBURGH
I don’t like the Steelers, and I like how the Bengals look, and the Steelers don’t quite look like they did last year, which was a flawed team that would’ve been beaten by the Pats in the AFC title game if they didn’t shit themselves in Denver. God, I’m bitter.

Green Bay (+7) over DETROIT
This line surprises me a little bit, even if the Packers looked good against the underdog Saints, of all teams, and still lost. But… yeah, this game’s not gonna be fun to watch.

Jacksonville (+7) over INDIANAPOLIS
Yep, still an idiot.

Baltimore (-7) over CLEVELAND
Simmons says despite the defense being great, McNair looks terrible. Well, I can’t see how he looks when I haven’t seen him play this season, so my memory shall now betray my judgement… or something like that.

Philadelphia (-6.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
There’s two schools of thought going around here; some think that with Philly pissing away last week’s game, they’re in a state of free fall and will fall victim to a Niner team who’s looked pretty well this season so far playing at home. Others say they’ll get fired up for it and be out for blood. And while 6.5 is a lot, I’ll go with the latter.

SEATTLE (-3.5) over NY Giants
Tough one, since NYG’s got that nice win from last week to ride in off of, but I’ll take the initial surge of Deion at home FTW… although I want everyone to be sure that they know Deion’s not Randy Moss or Jerry Rice; he’s a good possession reciever who knows his routes and that’s about it. Just so we’re clear.

St. Louis (+4.5) over ARIZONA
Have I reneged on my NFC West pick already? Nah, just being flexible. It’ll be close; may the best team win.

Denver (+7) over NEW ENGLAND
I don’t think Denver will win. But when it comes to Denver, you never know.

NEW ORLEANS (+4.5) over Atlanta
Being relatively new to the gambling game, I’m not quite sure how much home field really does affect a game. I’m only picking three home teams this week, and I’m only picking New Orleans because they’re at home and everyone’s playing this sentimental return crap, and I’m falling for it. It’s a good thing I’m not putting real money on this.

Tuesday Night Titans: Electric Boogaloo

In Football: 8-8 again, 16-16 on the year. No money to be made, but not a penny poorer. I really gotta stop betting against the Co–Jacksonville next week? I’ll take ‘em!

What are ya watchin?: Saw Temple of Doom and Last Crusade this weekend, both very good, particularly Last Crusade. Excellent movie. Next on the Netflix queue is Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, which I apparently watched all the time when I was a kid but I can’t remember a single thing about it, the first volume of the Mario Bros Super Show (I’ll skip the cartoons; I just wanna see the live action segments with Captain Lou), and Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic.

What are ya playin?: Albatross18, aka Pangya. I played it a little over the summer, but I took a little hiatus from it. Now, I’ve been going at it every day. Good, clean graphics, easy to play, and just like real golf, a little frustrating when things don’t go your way. It’s free to download and play, but if you want to use a different character or give him/her accesories that improve their game and make them look cool, you have to pay real money. I think it makes up for getting the game for free.

What are ya hearin? Run DMC’s anthology. They’re very entertaining, even if their style is a little dated (not in the old-school sense, but in the sense that similar groups from the time period have a little more fundamentally-sound style, so to speak), but it’s a good listen.

Now Surfing on the Intertron: Gammons is back. I always liked Gammons, as I’m sure everyone does. Even though his predictions often end up crashing (like Bobby Crosby, 2006 AL MVP and Nomar Garciaparra, 2005 NL MVP), and I bet most people outside of New England get a little frustrated with his slight Boston bias, he at least always has something worthwhile to say.

Pressing sports current event: I might be a little biased, since he’s on my fantasy team, but I think Johan Santana should be AL MVP. Morneau might deserve it more than Ortiz or Jeter as well. Jeter has had a great season, and he’s played a big part in the Yankees’ success. But it’s hard to be MVP on a team with A-Rod, Giambi, Damon, Cano and now Abreu hitting ahead of you. Ortiz has stars on his lineup too, but Manny’s been in a bit of a decline, Mike Lowell returned to earth in the second half and so did Youkilis. And with a non-existant pitching staff after May, I think Ortiz is a little more deserving than Jeter… but I’m a little biased. Still though, Santana or Morneau deserve it more than either, even if they don’t overtake Detroit. Considering that many had them completely done for by the middle of June, its amazing they came back and took care of Chicago so easily. And Santana’s been close to unbeatable.

In my fantasies: Well, Christopher had to be a total fag and beat me in the playoffs by an oh-so-close score of 6-9. Earlier in the season, I traded him Chris Carpenter and Randy Johnson for Adam Dunn and Ryan Dempster. And while I know I lose that trade on paper, I was really hurting for walks and OPS, and Dempster had SP eligibility so I could start 4 closers at a time, and Randy was just picked up for use as trade bait (I don’t start Yankees on my team). And it worked out relatively well for me, since I already had Santana, Carlos Zambrano and Justin Verlander in my rotation, so I wouldn’t lose too much, and I ended up in second place in the regular season. Unfortunately, Adam Dunn went 1-18 on the week while Carpenter had a complete game. But I’m sure you don’t really care about all that.

Week 2, Ooh yeah, dig it

8-8 to start, perhaps this week will be better. One of these days I might actually put money in this. Home team in CAPS.

MIAMI (-6.5) over Buffalo
I think the Bills covering last week was more a function of the Pats not playing well than the Bills shocking the world, although their defense did play quite well. I think Culpepper bounces back a little this week, but he’s obviously still got a few lingering problems.

Carolina (-1.5) over MINNESOTA
Carolina made me look pretty bad last week, but I’ll stay with em one more week.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over NY Giants
This one’s a little tough. Last week showed that Eli’s still not ready to take over when it counts (must run in the family) but the defense, until a little meltdown in the end, wasn’t all that bad. Meanwhile, Philly looked pretty good last week. I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up as a push.

BALTIMORE (-12.5) over Oakland
I shouldn’t bite on this… Oakland couldn’t possibly be that bad, and Baltimore couldn’t possibly be that good… but, meh, whatever.

ATLANTA (-5.5) over Tampa Bay
God, now I’m just letting them walk all over me. I might as well just print last week’s results and pick everyone who won.
CHICAGO (-8) over Detroit
Detroit surprised me last week, but I can’t imagine they’ll do that again. And they still lost, partially because their coach, in hindsight, was an idiot. Meanwhile, Chicago’s just as good as Seattle, if not better, and now they’re home. So I’ll take em.
CINCINNATI (-10.5) over Cleveland
I love Romeo, but he screwed me over by giving up on the running game. And I’m pretty much convinced about the Bengals. A little high line, though.

New Orleans (+2.5) over GREEN BAY
God, the Packers suck.
Houston (+13.5) over INDIANAPOLIS
Jesus, I’m an idiot.

St. Louis (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO
I’ll take it. I think they overreacted to San Fran’s decent showing against the Cardinals. So yeah, I’ll take the spread.
Arizona (+7) over SEATTLE
Seattle will probably win, but 7 seems a little too good to pass up.

DENVER (-10.5) over Kansas City
Overreacting once again, but Huard just looked terrible. And defenses will be well aware of this and stack the line, which means Grand Ma Ma isn’t doing much.

SAN DIEGO (-11.5) over Tennessee
Seems a little high, but Ladanian’s making me look good by picking him in the draft. And by looking good, I mean not being an idiot and taking someone else at #3.

New England (-6) over NY JETS
Simmons thought this would be an upset; I think this is gonna be a blowout.

Washington (+7) over DALLAS
I don’t think TO makes a difference… although Coach Janky Spany being gone makes me worry a tad. But I think Drew will come through for me.

JACKSONVILLE (-2.5) over Pittsburgh
Meh… I just hate the Steelers, that’s all.

Cocky Little Freaks!!!

I’ve written about my love affair with the Zelda series before, and talked about how I tend to forget about it for years at a time, but when a game comes out and I’m playing it, it absorbs my life for that month (although, and I suppose this is blasphemy, I didn’t really think Link to the Past was nearly as great as everyone says… perhaps I’ll touch on that in a later list). When Star Fox 64 came out, I had a feeling a similar effect would happen. I had enjoyed the characters and the overall look of the original Star Fox when I was a kid, and when Star Fox 64 was about to come out, I started to get pumped. The SNES’s Star Fox had quite a few weaknesses; while revolutionary, the graphics were a little hard to comprehend and a bit before their time, the game didn’t really have much of a story, and it was FUCKING difficult. But Star Fox 64 looked like it had beautiful, vibrant colors and smooth lines and defined models and everything. And there was plenty of voice acting and dialogue to be experienced, and not just of the “STAY IN FORMATION!!!” variety. And in gameplay demos, the player wasn’t crashing into buildings and getting raped by triangle ships like I was used to. So I got pretty damn excited, even more so after watching a cheesily-produced video Nintendo Power sent me (which I thought was so daring and rebellious to make fun of the competition at the time).

And, of course, Star Fox 64 produced. Big time. For a long time, it was one of my favorite games. I was really into it. I played through it constantly, trying (and failing) to get the medals, and eventually figuring out the alternate exits (or having my brother show me). The official Nintendo Player’s Guide was in my bathroom, which I read constantly. I was into that game, big time. But, after a while, my attentions moved on to other things, such as Zelda, Jedi Knight and girls (heh… just kidding). And for a long time, I forgot about Star Fox.

There’s something that some people already know about me and those who don’t must learn. I’m very convinceable. If someone I like provides a relatively compelling argument about something, I’ll usually take their side until/unless my translucent conscience figures otherwise. When Star Fox Adventures came out, I saw a Penny Arcade comic that implanted an image about the game in my head; that it was a non-stop item hunt. When my friend Billy came over and showed it to me, it didn’t seem all that fun, since it looked like nothing but Fox running along snowy plains, finding items. So I skipped over it. Star Fox Assault came out about 3 years later, and although there was initial rumors about (un)finished Star Fox 2 being included as a pre-order gift, I skipped over that, too. I played a demo for a few minutes, and it just didn’t seem like Star Fox. The characters had new, futuristic costumes, Fox suddenly had sharp teeth and fuzzy hair, and there’s this new bitch, a female fox who seemed to just be included so wierdos could draw furry of her (I understand the appeal of hentai, obviously, but I never got the whole furry thing… just so you all know), and the gameplay was just a little too frantic for what I remember SF64 being.

So, when Star Fox Command was first announced at E3, I wasn’t really all that excited. I had kinda fallen out of favor with Star Fox, not that I hated it, but I no longer got excited about it. But, after a summer of hard work, I had some money to blow, and SFC was the first major DS title of the big E3 bonanza, so I traded in Naruto Ultimate Ninja and a bunch of year-old games I’d never play again and picked it up (along with Madden ‘07 for the Cube… only $40 bucks, and I hadn’t bought a football game since the 04-05 season, so it was a little more than a roster update, I suppose… but now I’m rambling, in parentheses, no less). And man, I’m glad I did. I’ve been fucking glued to this game.

I think the best part about it is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. I think Adventures and Assault tried to make Fox into a legit badass science fiction character with high octane adventures around the world; he started wearing space-age flight suits, he was much more intimidating and menacing, he had a hot (furry) chick by his side, and they blew up whatever they wanted, because they were Star Fucking Fox. But at it’s heart, Star Fox is still a game about a talking fox and a talking falcon and a frog with a baseball cap and a rabbit with a southern accent and a dog in charge of the world and a menacing ape with detached hands (or brain, for that matter). There shouldn’t be anything really all that serious about it. I mean, yeah, I marked out for the revenge with Pigma storyline in 64; you need some character development. But SFC succeeds in giving us likable characters, funny dialogue, a story that’s worth fighting for to see the end, multiple endings and game paths, plenty of cameos and most of all, a smooth, clean design that never forgets what it’s really about.

Add that to the great gameplay and controls; I was skeptical of using the stylus, but it works perfectly (much smoother than the SNES or N64), and absolutely stunning graphics for the DS; bright colors, well-rendered models, and crisp sprites. I like to say that in a strange, bizarro way, Tie Fighter could be considered the greatest game ever made. It’s got perfect control, excellent graphics, a great soundtrack, extensive and appropriate voice acting, it’s long, and most importantly, it’s fun. It’s just about perfect in every aspect of making a video game. It’s just kinda hard to call Tie Fighter The Greatest Game Ever (although PC Gamer did just that a bunch of years ago). While it’s not necessarily on the same level, Star Fox Command does pretty much everything right. Although there’s no voice acting (the gibberish from the SNES returns, and is much better than hearing Slippy being voiced by a girl and Fox sounding like a total dweeb), it’s got great music, almost all of which is original (although the Star Wolf theme makes a welcome return). The theme that plays during Krystal’s missions is pretty fuckin’ sweet too. And speaking of which, they manage to make Krystal a relatively funny character who fits perfectly with the rest of the game. But as I was saying, great graphics, great sound, great controls, great story, tons of fun, a lot of replay value; it might just physically be the best game on the DS available now.

Although I’m praying to Zombie Jesus that Yoshi’s Island 2 makes me change that statement.

Tuesday Night Titans

I’ve decided to create a semi-new feature called Tuesday Night Titans. It’s just gonna be a quick update of what I’m playing and digging. Expect it to stop happening as soon as I forget, which could be as soon as next week. It’ll also have the results of the week’s gambling picks, and perhaps fantasy news that exactly zero people care about.

In Football: So yeah, 8-8 to start the year. Not good. Not bad. It’s exactly in between. That’s what being .500 is all about.

What are ya watchin?: Hopefully by tomorrow, my Netflix will have arrived, which will contain Temple of Doom and Last Crusade. Yes, for as much of a movie buff as I am, I’ve never seen either of them. Don’t know why, but that will change by (hopefully) tomorrow.

What are ya playin?: Star Fox Command, which I’ll get into later in the week, hopefully, and the original Katamari Damacy. I’d played the majority of the sequel, but I had never played the original. So when I saw it for $20 at Best Buy the other day, I bit on it. What else is there to say about Katamari? Great game, great design, perfect controls, excellent soundtrack, and while it’s not on the level of the sequel, the King’s dialogue is always hilarious, even if it never makes any sense. Ever.

What are ya hearin’?: I picked up A Tribe Called Quest’s Anthology on Friday under a recommendation from Michael Holley a few months ago, and they’re pretty damn good. I dig their style, as they say.

Now Surfing on the Intertron: Kotaku.com. It’s wierd… even though I’ma hound for wrestling and sports news and news sites, my greatest passion of them all goes relatively unchecked. The only thing I hear about video games is what I read on Penny Arcade, the Mega64ums, and the Consolevania/VideoGaiden blog. I even read celebrity gossip more often (if that’s what you’d call the newssites on IMDB). But, with the Wii about to be dropped, I’ve started checking Kotaku in the last week, and they seem to have their shit together quite nicely, I’d say.

Pressing sports current event: I’m not freaking about Branch skipping town. He’s a good WR, but he’s not worth that kind of money. The fact that we got a first out of it is great; we now have two first rounders, and in the event that seemingly no one can catch the ball, we can pawn one off for a good WR. Remember, Randy Moss was traded for a first, a seventh, and an average linebacker. A first by itself can catch some pretty nice fish on it’s own.  As for Sunday’s game, the defense played well, and how could you not get excited about Maroney? I’m sure it’s probably a little bit of an aberration, but I’ll take it.

In my fantasies: Ladanian Tomlinson is very good. I was lucky enough to have him fall to me at #3. He helped me defeat the evil Experts of Justice. In baseball, I’m off of my first-round bye and the Bad Street Brawlers are now facing A-Rod in the Pujol. It’s a nucleus of Miguel Cabrera, Matt Holliday, Adam Dunn, Ichiro, Johan Santana, Carlos Zambrano and Justin Verlander against Pujols, A-Rod, Carlos Lee, Bobby Abreu, Chris Carpenter, Jered Weaver and Brandon Webb. We’re pretty evenly matched… so it’ll be tough. And I’m sure you don’t care.

Oops…

So a funny thing happened Friday night. I was at my bud’s house with a couple of his friends, only one which I knew. There was one kid there, we’ll call him Oglethorpe. I didn’t know anything about Oglethorpe, never met him, I couldn’t even remember his name most of the night, but then again, I didn’t address him too often. Anyway, the night goes on, and I’m sober and straight, because I’m straight edge, and I’m better than you. That’s not true. Anyway, I had barely drunk anything and I hadn’t smoked anything, so I was perfectly coherent. There was another kid there whom we all called Elton John, for no apparent reason. And he appeared to be totally trashed, except in an active, hallucinogenic way. But it did look a little embellished. So, for no good reason other than to fuck with him and see how wasted he really was, I started asking him deep questions, most of which were some amalgam of things I had read earlier in the day on YTMND, like my question about God, involving something along the lines of created things having purpose, but God not being created thus having no purpose and all that shit. And Elton gives me this wacky answer about perception and atoms and what’s on the inside and existence and all this.

And I stopped listening to him after a while, but I eventually went to where my conversations always go: Metal Gear. I started quoting the Boss, and asked him why our enemies 40 years ago are different than our enemies now, and how our enemies 40 years from now likely won’t be the same, because we are all still humans, and we all have that in common, and it’s only the government that creates these battle lines for their own personal gain, and it’s the soldiers who are sacrificed for what leads to nothing. And all of the sudden, Oglethorpe, whom I had assumed was passed out or at least busy with his equally intoxicated girlfriend, pipes up.

If I had found out Oglethorpe’s full name, I would have known immediately. He went to my high school. His brother was either in my class or within a year of me. The second he said his name in the third person, I knew I was fucked, even if I didn’t say anything necessarily wrong. You see, Oglethorpe was nailed in the head by a mortar or shrapnel or something in or near Fallujah a few years ago. He was clinically dead on the operating table for about 4 minutes. It was actually kind of a big thing in our school at the time; it was 2003 (I think), and there were periodic updates on his condition over the course of the year and everything.

And, well, Oglethorpe was pissed. Not in-my-face, I’m-gonna-fuckin-kill-you pissed, because I think he was a little too hammered to really get angry about anything, but he said that he hates it when people blame the government and that he pretty much gave his life to protect what him and I are doing right now or something… I honestly stopped listening and began my massive backtrack once I remembered who he was.

While I am the Bad Street Brawler, I’m also a world-class fairy. Not the gay kind of fairy, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the total wussy, pacifist, doesn’t-want-to-offend-anyone fairy. In Madden 07, I made my Superstar mode player a cornerback, because I backpeddle A LOT. So I enter total damage control mode, even if I don’t think I was wrong in what I said, and just go on and on about how what I meant was that the government failed the troops in Afghanistan by spreading the resources among two battlefields and how even I was for invading Afghanistan right after 9/11 and everything. I didn’t go into the crazy 9/11 conspiracy theories which I’ve found myself believing in, but I then had to settle the conversation by coming clean and telling them I was just quoting a video game. Once again, I still believe in everything I initially said, but it’s just a little awkward to spout off on those theories when there’s a dude who technically died from the same sacrifices. If I was nailed in the head by a mortar shell or whatever, and I knew it was all for a bullshit reason to begin with, I’d probably convince myself otherwise as well, or else, why the hell was it worth it?

And, well, everything else I said for the rest of the night was met with relative skepticism. I left the gathering soon after.

Man, I wish I had some balls.

The last 93% of the Saga Begins

So I’m 0-1 to start off the year, which isn’t good. But hopefully that changes this week. We shall see. Home team in CAPS. Lines taken from whatever’s listed first on the ESPN.com daily lines page, current at time of writing, in this case, SportsInteraction.com.

Baltimore (+3) over TAMPA BAY
I have foolishly hitched my trailer on the Ravens bandwagon, so I might as well stay consistent through week one.

CAROLINA (-5.5) over Atlanta
I like the Panthers this season. Until they collapse. Plus, I’ve got Foster and Delhomme on my team, so I kinda have to root for them. Then again, I’ve got Crumpler, too…

ST. LOUIS (+4) over Denver
I feel worried about ranking STL on my preds last post after Simmons posted some legit good reasons for them to take the West. So I’ll atone by picking them for Denver, whom I think is in trouble now that they lost Kubiak to the Texans. I don’t think it’s a huge coincidence that Elway started to win big when he arrived in Denver…

Philadelphia (-6) over HOUSTON
… But he’s not necessarily going to make David Carr the next John Elway, either. If they had a running back, I might actually take Houston to keep it close, but I think with Philly’s D-Line, Carr’s going to continue to find himself horizontal more often than vertical.

NEW ENGLAND (-10) over Buffalo
I think a little too much has been made by the national media over this Branch thing. He’s a good WR, and I’m sure this holdout and ensuing grievance business is mostly a creation of his agent, but he’s not necessary to Brady like Moss was to Culpepper. He’s replaceable. Just as long as the guys replacing him are decent fellas, guys like Gabriel and my man Troy Brown, the passing game will be okay. And besides, it’s not like the WRs are gonna be the primary targets this season. Ben Watson and Dan Graham are gonna run wild, just like Hulkamania.

CLEVELAND (-3) over New Orleans
The Browns probably won’t be that good this year, but I’ve got enough confidence in Romeo to beat the Saints. Although… they do have a better QB and RB, so a line any wider and I might’ve gone with Nawlins.

Seattle (-6.5) over DETROIT
I really do feel bad for Lions fans. Really. I do. Most bad teams become good eventually, after enough seasons, but the poor, poor Lions. Poor Royals and Pirates, too.

TENNESSEE (-3) over NY Jets
The Titans look like they have a good recieiving corps this season… I just don’t know who’s going to throw to them.

Cincinnati (+1.5) over KANSAS CITY
It’s basically a pick-em. And I don’t feel strongly either way. So I’ll go, once again, with the fantasy connection. I’ve got Chad Jackson. So that’s my pick.

Chicago (-3.5) over GREEN BAY
Favre’s done. And Rodgers won’t get any playing time unless he gets hurt. AJ Hawk’s gonna be good, though. But yeah, Packers ain’t winnin’ this one.

ARIZONA (-8) over San Francisco
God, that line’s high. But I’ll take it. Why not.

JACKSONVILLE (PK) over Dallas
God, this one was tough. Dallas looked really good in the preseason without TO, and they’ve still got a good defense and a good running game. But I’ll take the home team, for no apparent reason other than I like Byron Leftwich and that NFL Films season review of the Jags made it look like they were gonna go undefeated this season. I’m an idiot.

NY GIANTS (+3) over Indianapolis
My awful addiction to picking against the Colts continues into 2006. Even though I lost about 11 games or so last season picking against them. I’m an idiot.

Minnesota (+4.5) over WASHINGTON
Not too sure about this, but for some reason, Brad Johnson just keeps getting it done. And they’ve got a decent runningback now. I’ll take Johnson and Chester over Brunell and Portis’s backup, whoever the hell it is.

San Diego (-3) over OAKLAND
Man, fuck the Raiders.

NFL Predictions… Sorry, no clever title.

ED NOTE: This post was edited on Wednesday 3:47 PM because I don’t know what the hell I was thinking picking the Jets ahead of the Bills. The change has been noted in italics, much like this sentence.

REGULAR SEASON

Standings (*=1st Round Bye)

AFC East
Patriots*
Dolphins
Bills
Jets

AFC North
Ravens
Steelers (Wild Card)
Bengals (Wild Card)
Browns

AFC South
Colts*
Jaguars
Texans
Titans

AFC West
Chargers
Chiefs
Broncos
Raiders

NFC East
Giants
Cowboys (Wild Card)
Redskins
Eagles

NFC North
Bears
Vikings
Packers
Lions

NFC South
Panthers*
Falcons
Buccaneers
Saints

NFC West
Seahawks*
Cardinals (Wild Card)
Rams
49ers

MVP: Tom Brady
O POY: Peyton Manning
D POY: Brian Urlacher
Coach of the Year: Dennis Green
O ROY: Vernon Davis
D ROY: AJ Hawk
Rushing Champion: LaDanian Tomlinson

PLAYOFFS

AFC

Steelers beat Ravens
Bengals beat Chargers

Patriots beat Bengals
Steelers beat Colts

Patriots beat Colts

NFC

Bears beat Cardinals
Giants beat Cowboys

Panthers beat Giants
Seahawks beat Bears

Panthers beat Seahawks

THE PICK

For the second year in a row, Patriots over Panthers.

—————————————————–

As for Thursday night’s game, home team in CAPS…

Miami (EVEN) over PITTSBURGH
I have no confidence in Charlie Batch, and I think Culpepper’s going to start the year hot before fizzling midseason. But those are both thinks, not hard evidence. If Roethlisberger was playing, I’d probably go with Pitt if the line was -3 in favor of the Steelers, but it’s not, so I’m not.

Rest of the picks on Saturday, as I already said. Or were you not listening? Fag.