In the Nick of Time

Home Team in CAPS

New England (+3) over KANSAS CITY
I have no reason for this… the Pats D sucks. I just think the Chiefs aren’t very good, or at least, not as good as we think they are. Have Tom Jackson or Michael Irvin picked the Pats once this year?

San Francisco (+8) over TENNESSEE
A collision of shitty teams.

MINNESOTA (-4) over Cleveland
I was wrong about Minny being done for. So we’ll see what actually happens.

TAMPA BAY (-3) over Chicago
I’m not sure about this one. Sorry.

San Diego (-4) over WASHINGTON
I’m sure Sean Taylor will make the difference, but I like the Chargers.

St. Louis (-4) over HOUSTON
This doesn’t seem right. I think the Texans might win this. But they are the Texans, after all.

Carolina (-4) over BUFFALO
I don’t have any faith in Buffalo.

Baltimore (+9) over CINCINNATI
They won’t win, but they’ll keep it close.

Miami (+7) over OAKLAND
Running out of time…

Jacksonville (-4) over ARIZONA
Need to poop…

NY Giants (+4) over SEATTLE
I think Seattle will still win, But we’ll see.

PHILADELPHIA (-4) over Green Bay
1 O’Clock games have started… at least I got those in…

New Orleans (-2) over NY JETS
Pats getting crunked… I wish I could change…

Pittsburgh (+8) over INDIANAPOLIS
I hate the Colts. This is their second-to-last chance to get beat in the regular season legitimately, since if they lose in the last few weeks when they’re resting their stars, the fans and all the Analysts will say they should’ve been undefeated, and they’re the greatest team in football history, even though they’ve only played one good team and they’ll still lose in the playoffs. Jerks.

Something’s not right here… I picked only three home teams. That’s not good.

Rock N’ Roll Part 1

I’ll do the rest of my picks later. Here’s today’s games.

Atlanta (-3) over DETROIT
I don’t trust Atlanta, but I don’t trust Detroit much more. And since they can’t seem to raise their game for Thanksgiving like they should, considering it’s their tradition, I don’t see them making this as close as 3.

Denver (-2) over DALLAS
This is a very tough one. If it was three instead of two, I’d take Dallas. But Denver’s D is just a tad better, and I’m hoping Jake Plummer forgets who he really is for another week.

More time for fun

• I went 9-7 this week, which improves my record to 17-13. I should cut down on the snide remarks, because I look like a doofus when I’m wrong about them. Except the Jets. They suck.
• I visited Jonny at Brown over the weekend. Brown is a cool school. Everyone’s friendly and the campus is nice. Even nicer is RISD, which has some amazing dorms, like the one where my pal Squibber lives. It’s like a 4-bedroom apartment. I introduced Jonny’s friends to the excellence that is Mega64. Good fun.
• Speaking of excellence, as I said earlier, I saw Bret Hart on Friday. It was cool. He seemed to be in a bad mood, but I would be too if I had to sign my name for two hours straight, especially when you have a signature as complex at Bret’s, as opposed to someone, like say, Pat Burrell. I talked with a cool dude for the duration of the wait, which was enormous — I arrived at 5:30, the thing started at 6:00 and I got signed at 7:30 — and I got him to take a picture of Bret and myself. We’ll see if I get it anytime soon. The DVD itself is awesome. Bret comes off a tad egotistical in my opinion, but everything he says is true. It just sounds strange coming from the man himself. There’s some great matches on it, with a painful reminder about how much Vince sucked as a play-by-play man, as well as how much some of the guys around him sucked on the mic too.
• Smackdown vs Raw 2006 is freakin’ awesome. I went through season mode on Raw with Jericho. Now I got to go through Smackdown’s season mode, beat GM Mode, and beat all the challenges if I hope to unlock everyone. I’ve already got Bret, Stone Cold, Andre, Junkyard Dog, Bulldog, Mankind, and 80’s Hogan. I’m gonna pull an all-nighter to get them unlocked before the…
• EXTREMELY AWESOME FOURTH ANNUAL THANKSGIVING AWESOMEFEST!!! Every year, the whole gang comes over to the cottage, and we play videogames all night long! Whoooo!!!! This year, I’m going to give out my minature Stanley Cup replica I got at the season opener (since the Bruins might finish the year with less wins than the goddamn Patriots) as the grand prize for the MVP of the night. IT’S GONNA BE A BLOODBATH!!!

This Week… in the Future!!!

FOOTBALL PICKS
Home team in CAPS

Panthers (-3) over BEARS
I like the Bears, but I like the Panthers more.

Jaguars (-4.5) over TITANS
I’ll probably be wrong on this one, but I’m a Byron Leftwich fan, and the Titans haven’t been good in three years, so there.

BENGALS (+5.5) over Colts
I really think the Bengals have a shot at winning this, although I’m willing to also bet that I’m dead wrong about this, which would be nice, since I wouldn’t lose any money.

Saints (+9) over PATS
I was thinking the entire week that the Pats would win by 2 TDs, but then I remembered that the defense still sucks ass and the offense lost Dan Koppen, who might be better than Matt Light.

Cardinals (+9.5) over RAMS
I think the Rams will win, but the Cards will keep it close. And if they lose, I still win, so that’s nice.

Bucs (+6) over FALCONS
I have no idea who’ll win. I’m still not sold on the Falcons, and I have no idea what to expect from the Bucs.

REDSKINS (-6) over Raiders
I’m undderating the Raiders and overrating the ‘Skins. We’ll see what my mistake was.

COWBOYS (-7.5) over Lions
This all depends on the QBs. Bledsoe’s at home, so he’s less likely to make a killer mistake, and Harrington isn’t the second coming of Johnny Unitas, despite last week’s effort.

GIANTS (-7.5) over Eagles
The Eagles are done. Maybe. They won’t win another division game. I think. On a side note, this whole T.O. thing has been nice, if only because Rachel Nichols is doing all the on-scene reporting. Is she just one of my bizzare niche crushes, or am I not alone in thinking she’s a total babe?

BROWNS (-2.5) over Dolphins
If the Dolphins can’t get a red-zone touchdown against the NFL’s worst secondary with a minute left, they aren’t beating Romeo.

Seahawks (-12.5) over NINERS
I didn’t know Seattle was 7-2 and legitimately beating good teams. Now I know, and knowing’s half the battle.

CHARGERS (-10.5) over Bills
I don’t know why I feel uneasy about this. LaTo should run wild on Buffalo’s porous run D, but I have no idea what to expect of San Diego, since they have the potential to beat the shit out of anyone, but they’re only 5-4.

BRONCOS (-13.5) over Jets
J-E-T-S SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! Of course, if they win, I’ll look like a bigger tool than Denver.

Steelers (-3.5) over RAVENS
I have no reason to believe this, considering the Ravens gave the Steelers a tough go of it last time, but it is Kyle Boller, after all.

Chiefs (-7) over TEXANS
I don’t know why I think the Chiefs are good. Trent Green has been killing them all year, and no one else really stands out.

PACKERS (-4.5) over Vikings
Sorry, Minny. The dream ends here.

I have no confidence in any of those picks. Uh oh.

RIP Eddie

I’ve pretty much said everything I need to say about Eddie on other sites. He was easily one of the top 10 greatest pure wrestlers of all time, and he was a hell of a guy to boot, both recovering from his addictions and from a car accident that really should have killed him. Unfortunately, I didn’t truly appreciate him while he was alive, but I’m not sure any of us really did. Needless to say, we all know what he meant to us now.

I was gonna visit Jonny in Providence this weekend on Friday afternoon. Then I found out Bret Hart was gonna sign his new DVD on Friday night at the Cambridgeside Galleria. So I would visit the Jonny later that night. Then Eddie died, and while tonight’s RAW was very good, I think I owe it to him to catch Benoit and Chavo wrestle on Friday. So now, Jonny has been moved to Saturday. I really don’t know what I’m going to say to Bret when I see him. I think I’ll just thank him for being my hero when I was growing up, but I need to figure out a way of saying it in a short period of time and not sound like a wierdo, like in that Weird Al skit, where the dude was like “I looovve you Weeirrd Allll!! Weeeiirdd Aallll Ruuuulllees!!!” as they pull him into the prison truck.

Smackdown vs Raw 2006 was supposed to come out today, but it’s either delayed or it only ships today. It looks awesome, although apparently, if you want to unlock Jake Roberts, you need a PSP and the PSP version of the game. Sorry Jake, you’re not getting unlocked.

As for my gambling attempt, I didn’t do too horribly. I got crunked on my KC/BUF pick, I gave the Colts a little too much faith to win by 18 over THE WORST TEAM IN FOOTBALL, Green Bay pulled a Jeff Hardy shocker, I forgot St. Louis’s defense sucks turbo ass, Jon Gruden trickeded me he did, and the Browns suck more than I wish they didn’t. I went 8-6, which isn’t awful, but not great.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my thoughts on the MVP debacle.

And before it’s too late…

My revised NFL Predictions at midseason… since we all deserve a second chance, and I deserve a few bunnies after trying to fight City Hall with that Colts pick.

AFC EAST: Patriots
AFC NORTH: Steelers*
AFC SOUTH: Colts*
AFC WEST: Broncos
AFC WILD CARDS: Bengals, Chargers

NFC EAST: Giants*
NFC NORTH: Bears
NFC SOUTH: Panthers*
NFC WEST: Seahawks
NFC WILD CARDS: Falcons, Redskins

*First Round Byes

WILD CARD
Chargers over Patriots
Bengals over Broncos
Falcons over Bears
Redskins over Seahawks

DIVISION
Chargers over Steelers
Bengals over Colts
Giants over Redskins
Panthers over Falcons

CONFERENCE
Bengals over Chargers
Panthers over Giants

SUPER BOWL
Panthers over Bengals

I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands. So, in my ongoing desire to emulate Bill Simmons, my NFL picks for the week, which I hope to continue throughout the season. I just figured out a few days ago how the whole covering/+/-/pickem thing goes, so I think I understand how it works… we’ll see.

Home team in Caps

Chiefs (+3) over BILLS
Buffalo’s defense is just not that good. KC’s D isn’t much better, but at least they have some semblance of an offense.

Redskins (-1) over BUCS
I liked Chris Simms last year for the three minutes he played, but he’s not the same this year. Cadillac hasn’t been the same since he was hurt, either. I’ll take the team with the better defense, once again.

Patriots (-3) over DOLPHINS
It’ll be very close, since the Pat’s defense has been reduced to pure liquid shit, and Miami has a pretty good running game. But Gus Frerotte doesn’t scare me, which means it’ll be up to the Pats O to beat the Miami D, which doesn’t always happen, but I have a feeling it will this week.

Rams (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
I don’t think they’ll win, but that offense is good enough to stay close.

Niners (+13) over BEARS
The Niners are awful, and they won’t win, but they may make it interesting. On paper, the Bears should win by 14, but so many of these picks seem like slam dunks so far, I need to go out on a limb.

LIONS (-3.5) over Cards
I’m not going out on much of a limb when I say I’d be more comfortable with this if Garcia was starting, but I’m going to have to plead ignorance on this one… I don’t know much about the Cards this year other than Kurt Warner didn’t become Peyton Manning like some fantasy analysts hoped.

GIANTS (-9.5) over Vikings
Brad Johnson is a good, compotent quarterback, a Trent Dilfer/Jeff Garcia/Kerry Holcomb type who won’t lose games for you, but won’t win ‘em for you either. That being said, the Giants are very good, and I don’t think the Vikings, with all their injuries and incompotence, can stay close in this one.

COLTS (-17.5) over Texans
I know that most of the Colts’ easy schedule was just luck (it was the NFC West’s turn in interleague play, the rest of their division ended up shitty or below average, the Ravens and Patriots ended up sucking, leaving only four real quality opponents in five games), but I still hate the NFL for making it so easy for them.

JAGS (-6.5) over Ravens
Sorry Joel… I like the Ravens, but I like Byron Leftwich too, and considerably more than Kyle Boller and a defense with a hobbling RaLu and Ed Reed.

FALCONS (-9.5) over Packers
Poor Green Bay. Tough season.

PANTHERS (-9.5) over Jets
J-E-T-S Suck! Suck! Suck!

Browns (+8) over STEELERS
The Romeo Crennel special. The Steelers need a humiliating loss so they can get angry and rape the Colts next week.

Cowboys (+3) over EAGLES
The Iggles will probably win this in the last minute, setting the stage for a triumphant “We don’t need TO” mood around practice… only to get crunked by the G-Men next week. Or they could just plain lose this week and give up on their season after next week’s inevitable dissapointment.

Broncos (-3) over RAIDERS
The Broncos are a very good team. The Raiders are not. I predict the Broncos will beat the Raiders. This betting thing is pretty easy.

I sure hope I do somewhat well. I’m confident, so that must be all I need, right?

Total Star Fucker

So I’m in a bus, going from Everett into Boston. The bus goes near the TD Banknorth Garden, about a block away from it, in order to get to downtown. So the bus is going about 40 mph through the crowded Boston streets, and I had just finished the Metro’s Su Doku puzzle, so my attention was now diverted to the window. I look out, and whom do I see exiting the passenger door of a nice car? Boston Bruins center Patrice Bergeron. I was stunned, and had I known anyone on the bus, I would’ve said to them, “Dude! That’s Patrice Bergeron!”. I didn’t know anyone, however. I still thought it was too important to let pass by, so I said something along the lines of “heydaputibuja…” very quietly.

So, in review… I saw Patrice Bergeron today. For like 2 seconds. It was cool. He’s the third Boston Bruin I’ve encountered in a random situation, Cam Neely at the Vineyard and Lyndon Byers at Hurricane O’Reilly’s being the other two. This, combined with my spotting of Stephnie Wier and Michael MacDonald at Tedeschi’s brings my lifetime count of incidental celebrity sightings to five. I am officially a better person than you, unless you are Mr. T.

Well then…

It looks like I went out on the flimsiest limb possible and it snapped. Oh well. I’m still not convinced they’re the best team in the league right now, but part of that is just my own petty sense of denial.

I ain’t afraid of no Colts

Let’s look at Monday night’s game coming up between the Patriots and the Colts. Firstly, there are the obvious observations.

• Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in the NFL, at least in terms of physical talent.
• The Colts have a future Hall-of-Famer and two other potential Pro Bowlers to catch the ball, plus another potential hall-of-famer to run it.
• The Colts have the best pass-rushing defensive lineman in the game right now, arguably the best since Lawrence Taylor, plus a playmaking cornerback and an overall excellent defense.
• The Patriots are missing Rodney Harrison, plus most of their front-line cornerbacks.
• The Patriots do not have Romeo Crennel or Charlie Weis, the coordinators who figured out ways to stop the Colts in their past meetings.
• The Patriots might not have their runningback Corey Dillon, and if they do, he won’t be able to play at 100%. His backup was just signed today.
• The Patriots probably won’t have Richard Seymour, arguably the best all-around lineman in the game.
• The Patriots are starting two rookies at their offensive line against Freeney.
• Four of the Patriots’ top six pass recievers are hurt and are questionable to play.
• The Colts are undefeated this season, while the Patriots have yet to win two straight.

Needless to say, the Colts have a big advantage. Even though Manning’s never won in Foxboro, even though he hasn’t beaten Belichick since the Pats’ 5-11 season in 2000, even though he has a reputation for giving away games against the Patriots, even though the guy taking snaps for the other team is a three-time Super Bowl champion, things don’t look good for your Defending Champion New England Patriots.

But wait! I think we can all agree, the Pats are a hurt team. Their offense hasn’t failed them, even in Weis’s absence, although their running game isn’t as powerful as last year, but their defense is in shambles. Even though Tedy Bruschi is back, he’s only been back for one game. He hasn’t had the benefit of a preseason. And even if he was up to snuff, one man couldn’t possibly make the difference, could he? But does this necessarily mean that the Colts are as unstoppable as everyone says? Let’s take a look.

• Not including their losses to the Colts, the combined record of the teams these Colts have played is 16-28 (which means their true records are a combined 16-35). The best record of their 7 opponents is Jacksonville, who is 4-3. The worst record? Houston, at 1-6. Let’s look a little further.
  • Dwight Freeney has six sacks, Robert Mathis has eight. Two came against Houston, who has the worst offensive line in the history of the NFL (that’s not much of an exaggeration: David Carr holds the single-season record for times sacked at 72). In fact, Indy has played seven of the twelve worst teams in terms of sacks given up. The point is, it’s easy to steal candy from a baby when the crib is wide open and the parents aren’t looking.
  • Cato June has five picks. As a team, the Colts have 12. But look at the quarterbacks they’ve been playing. Kyle Boller (1 pick), Anthony Wright (2), Alex Smith (4), Jamie Martin (2) and David Carr (1) immediately come to mind. Which means 10 of their 12 picks have come off shitty QB’s. The other picks came from Marc Bulger and Steve McNair, both of whom were playing hurt.
  • I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but there’s more. Two of the seven head coaches they faced will probably be fired by the end of the year (Capers and Billick) and a third (Mike Martz) had already been fired, in essence, since no one outside of Mike Martz’s children think he’s going to be back next year.
  • This vaunted offense? They scored 45 points on St. Louis, a team that’s giving up 367.8 yards per game. They scored 38 on Houston, who averages 372.3. See a trend here? San Francisco? 28 points on a 427.3 defense. Although they dropped 24 on Baltimore, the next best defense they’ve faced was Jacksonville, and they were held to 10.

So what’s my point, other than the Colts have had a ridiculously easy schedule? Not much. But that’s just it. How much better is this Colts’ defense than last year? The one that had shown it couldn’t stop Tom Brady in Foxboro? The Patriots are missing some key personnel, but they held the Colts to 3 points last year in the playoffs without Richard Seymour, Ty Law, and Tyrone Poole. Now, without Rodney, I think I’m not going out on much of a limb by saying they won’t repeat the 3-point feat again, but this is William Stephen Fucking Belichick we are talking about. This is the guy who told Tom Jackson, a man twice his size, to fuck himself while he was celebrating his second Super Bowl. Bill Belichick is fucking crazy. He lives for this shit. He loves it when people doubt him.

The Patriots are not going to lose this game. It will be close, a lot of points will be scored, and I’m well aware I could be sitting here at this screen on Tuesday morning looking like a complete idiot for making a prediction that defies all logic and is only based off my bias towards my own team. I don’t care. There are five reasons why I’m picking these Patriots.
1. Tom Brady
2. Bill Belichick
3. Tedy Bruschi
4. Foxboro, MA
5. Adam Fucking Vinatieri. Patriots win by 3.

Not so Fast!

Perhaps you think the San Antonio Spurs are going to win the NBA Finals? Well, you’re probably right, but in the interest of being different, maybe not! The Heat and Pacers will both be very good, as will the Pistons, now that Darkomania is runnin’ wild. Even though the Spurs lineup is unfairly amazing (when your weakest starter is Bruce Bowen, the second-best defensive player in the league, you’re doing all right) and their bench is grotesquely good (Brent Barry, Michael Finley, and Big Shot Bob/Rob could start for at least 20 teams in the league), you just never know. I voted in the ESPN Sportsnation Poll that I thought the Heat would win it all, partially because I want Toine to get a ring, partially because Dwyane Wade is the best player in the league not named Kevin Garnett. Of course, Toine’s chucking will drive Shaq crazy, and I’m not convinced about Posey or Haslem, so I reserve the right to change my mind. And I will.

EAST
Atlantic: Nets
Central: Pistons
Southeast: Heat
Champion: Pacers

WEST
Southwest: Spurs
Northwest: Nuggets
Pacific: Suns
Champion: Spurs

Finals Champion: Pacers
MVP: Kevin Garnett, T’Wolves
Defensive POY: Ron Artest, Pacers
Rookie: Danny Granger, Pacers
Sixth Man: Ricky Davis, Celtics

Random Predictions

• Paul Pierce will not be traded this season. He will become a model citizen, although Ricky Davis will become the more popular player.
• Andrei Kirilenko will be an MVP candidate
• The Charlotte Bobcats will win more than 30 games. The Raptors will win less than 15. Jalen Rose will be traded.
• Phil and Kobe will not get along. They won’t make the playoffs, nor will they be in contention for a spot within the last three weeks of the season.