On a dark and stormy night…

It was 2:30. Anthony had set up his laptop and was ready to be bored out of his mind for an hour and 15 minutes straight. It was freezing outside. He planned on going to his friend Nat’s basketball game that night, but the directions said he’d have to walk a half mile, and that didn’t seem like a fun prospect in this weather, at least, not with how he was dressed. It was 30 minutes away from the NBA Trade Deadline.
Earlier, he had found out that Jiri Welsch had been traded to the Cavs for a first round pick that likely wouldn’t mean anything in two years, when LeBron would have them winning 55 games. He knew someone had to go, and Jiri was the odd man out. Still, he was going to miss having that extra 3-point option in ESPN NBA 2K5, especially with Waltah gone. He turned on his computer and began a game of solitaire. He was quietly wishing his computer would pick up the wireless signal it sometimes found in the Fenton building. Lucky for him, it did. He consulted BostonSportsMediaWatch.com for the best ideas as to who would be the most up-to-date on trade deadline deals. He found CelticsBlog.com, which was already going crazy with speculation.
CelticsBlog was kind of like the Sons of Sam Horn for the Celtics, albeit much less exclusive and probably not as reliable. He browsed a few topics, and noticed everyone wasn’t complacent. Everyone knew something big was coming. The expected trade target was Ricky Davis, as a story had broke earlier in the day that Paul Pierce wouldn’t be traded and  Gary Payton was going to be offered a 2-year extension, assuming he wasn’t traded. The few articles leading up to Thursday all had circulated on how much Payton was enjoying playing for them. It was a stark contrast to when he was first acquired, and almost didn’t even bother showing up. Secretly, they all were wishing that the Welsch trade was only to clear up a roster spot for a Mark Blount trade, where they would dump his sorry ass and ridiculous salary for a few prospects or an expiring contract. Even if Raef LaFrentz was dumped, they’d be pretty happy.
The signal strength to the wireless connection was “Low”. That wasn’t a good sign. At about 2:50, someone posted that Chad Ford was saying the Celtics were still going after Antoine Walker. Hmm… Anthony recalled back to a month or two ago, when the Walker rumors were running wild, and remembered how they eventually died down after Toine said the right things and declared he loved Atlanta. Nevertheless, while it might have been expected, it was still relatively surprising. His connection dropped. He resumed his solitaire game and made a dramatic comeback, winning a hand when he was out $256 and suddenly putting him up $4. Fifteen minutes later, the connection returned. He refreshed the page, and the most recent topic was “OMFG!!! WALKER BACK TO BOSTON!!!” This piqued his interest. He clicked it, and nothing happened. the connection dropped. At 3:20, the connection, after a few valiant tries to find a network address, finally clicked back on again. The reaction was mixed. ‘Toine, for all the people who saw past his faults and loved his energy and enthusiasm, had many detractors. One person even went so far as to post a picture of him laying down bricks.
It took Anthony a while to make up his mind about the trade. He loved Walker, but the three players they traded away were expiring contracts, so that was almost a wash. He also was sad to see Payton go. He felt bad that he would be damned to basketball purgatory in Atlanta. He thought he was a good influence on the three big rookies, especially Delonte West. He also seemed to be a peacemaker between Pierce and Doc Rivers. Then he began to think about how Pierce’s moodiness began as soon as Antoine was traded. All the weight of the franchise was on his shoulders, and Pierce was getting all the blame for any failures. As Bill Simmons said, he had entered PPPM (Paul Pierce Pout Mode). Perhaps, instead of a change of scenery, his old buddy would do him good. Walker was the heart of the team, Pierce was the body.
So Anthony decided perhaps this trade was for the best. If ‘Toine didn’t work out, he’d be a free agent at the end of the season and they could let him go. They’d be just under the cap if they wanted to sign someone to the veteran’s minimum.
Then someone suggested something interesting. He called it a conspiracy theory. Last year, when Danny Ainge traded for Lindsey Hunter, he waived him the next day. Detroit re-signed him, and went on to win the championship. Some said that Ainge should’ve recieved a ring. What if Danny had the same thing in mind this year? What if the stories about the contract negotiations with Payton were true? What if Ainge talked it over with Payton before he made the trade, and told him not to report to Atlanta, forcing them to waive him or buy out his contract? Atlanta wouldn’t complain too much; it would be more cap money for the offseason. Payton would become a free agent, and could sign with anyone. There was talk he wanted to go to the west coast with his family, but what if Ainge promised him that two-year extension if he signed for the veteran’s minimum?
In effect, Ainge would’ve traded Tom Gugliotta, Michael Stewart (neither of which were getting much playing time, especially Stewart, who wasn’t even on the active roster until a week ago) and the lesser of their two first round draft picks for Antoine Walker. They essentially would keep Payton, and actually keep him for less money for the rest of the year.
Anthony suddenly became very happy. He began to read comments from the owner about how there was a point guard who will be released tomorrow who they are interested in, or Al Jefferson not-so-subtly hinting that Gary would be back to a Toronto radio station. Danny Ainge, the red-headed stepchild who appeared to have no idea what the hell he was doing, suddenly became a mastermind. He swung a big deal capped off by a sneaky trick to get past the salary requirements. And while the Celtics won’t be winning an NBA championship in 2005, they look like a pretty darn good team for the future.

College education put to good use

I may have mentioned it before, but I hate Skip Bayless. If you were to combine every heel commentator in wrestling history, strip them of the context in which they were in, remove anything funny that they said, and put him on TV and the internet every weekday morning, you would have Skip Bayless. The man seeks popular opinion, then tries to be the devil’s advocate to so many extremes that he ends up sounding like a douchebag. In English class, we are told to back up our thesis statements with evidence. So, in outline form, here’s why I hate Skip Bayless.

I. Introduction
A: Introduce the Topic
1. I hate Skip Bayless
B: Main Ideas
1. The time he said Bonds was innocent
2. The time he said Belichick wasn’t on par with Parcells
3. The reasons he gave for hating hockey
C: Topic Sentence
1. Skip Bayless is a douchebag.
II. Body
A: First Supporting Idea
1. Bayless thinks Bonds got a bad rap
2. Evidence
a: He thinks the feds set him up
b: He won’t believe he’s on the juice until he sees him inject it personally
c: He believes him when he said he didn’t know what he was taking
3. Rebuttal
a: Yes, they did, but that’s what you do to people who lie under oath.
b: And OJ was innocent because he didn’t kill Nicole on tape?
c: If Barry legitimately built up his body without ‘roids using natural methods,
you know damn well he had an idea of anything that went inside his body,
nevermind creams and pills.
B: Second Supporting Idea
1. Bayless thinks Belichick is overrated and not as good as Parcells
2. Evidence
a: Belichick got lucky in 01
b: Belichick won’t be as good without Weis and Crennel
c: Belichick was fired after 5 sub-500 seasons in Cleveland
3. Rebuttal
a: Mo Lewis injuring Bledsoe was lucky, although Michael Holley says
Bledsoe probably wasn’t going to finish the season as the starter anyway.
The tuck rule is a shitty rule, and by most means a fumble, but it was
properly called. Peyton Manning doesn’t suck in big games, the Patriots
make big plays in big games. And if Norwood made that kick in 92,
Parcells would have only one Super Bowl and wouldn’t be considered one
of the top 15 coaches.
b: That’s not evidence. That’s speculation.
c: Bill Walsh had a worse record in his first 5 seasons.
C: Third Supporting Idea
1. Bayless hates hockey… for all the wrong reasons
2. Evidence
a: Hockey has no fans
b: Hockey is too violent, and checking limits scoring
c: Canadians would oppose rule changes
d: Hockey has no strategy
3. Rebuttal
a: Hockey has few casual fans, but more die-hards than any other sport
b: No, the trap limits scoring. Fights are used to get the team going, like a
diving catch in baseball or a defensive football player dancing after a
tackle. There’s a difference between clutching/grabbing and checking.
c: Canadians aren’t all “dummies”, like you call them. They know that the game
is in trouble and most of them will support rule changes as long as they
aren’t too radical.
d: If anything, hockey has too much strategy, like the trap. Defensive football
is fun to watch, as are great plays on the baseball field. Defensive hockey,
outside of great goaltending, isn’t as entertaining. Credit Pat Burns or
whoever came up with the trap for outsmarting the rest of the game, but it
needs to go. As for lack of offensive strategy, when you say “I’ve sought
X-and-O wisdom from several NHL coaches and GMs — and from
hockey experts such as E.J. [Hradek] — and it still pretty much looks like
organized chaos to me. It often takes a third or fourth replay for the
announcers to figure out that the puck ricocheted off a defenseman’s thigh
pad, then glanced off an offensive player’s skate, before whizzing top shelf
over the goalie’s right shoulder. Just like they drew it up on the
chalkboard”, I feel the need to paraphrase Brian when I say “Are you sure
you asked someone? Are you sure it wasn’t… no one?”. If you don’t
understand the plays, it’s not the play’s fault. It’s yours for not
understanding it. You can say you hate hockey all you want. Don’t say
hockey sucks because of it.
III: Conclusion
A: Sum-up main points you’ve proved
1. It’s okay to go against the grain. It’s also okay to publicly state why you hate
something. But use legitimate points instead of foolish reasoning you pulled out
of your ass last night when you were sweating how to put some more
horseshit together for your once-a-week deadline.
B: Restate topic sentence
1: Skip Bayless is a douchebag.

I’m aware that I made the point that if you hate something, don’t say it sucks, and yet I just wrote a gargantuan outline of why Skip Bayless sucks when I really just hate his guts. I also know that if everyone posted columns talking about how Barry Bonds should be ashamed, how great Belichick and Brady are, and why it’s too bad there’s no hockey this year, then ESPN.com would be really boring. I’m open to hearing the other side. Just use some common sense in your argument. I made fun of Ron Borges for thinking Richard Seymour would be a bust and they were better off with Koren Robinson (The Human Pass Dropping Machine), but at least he backed it up with numbers. He was proven wrong, and he looks like a moron for it, but he at least had something behind it instead of throwing out opinionated musings.

If anyone wants me, I’ll be in the Angry Dome!

Shaken All Night Long…

I’m doing another all-nighter, so I can show up to the parade nice and early… even though I could probably get my 8 hours if I go to bed now, I need to catch up on my La Pucelle action. I haven’t played it in a week or so, and I’ve decided to add Katamari Damacy to my videogame queue, ahead of Grandia (sorry Dan) but not before Phantom Brave. KOF 02-03 is coming out next week, so I gotta get pumped and jacked for that too. I also have to beat GTA:SA, I got near the end, but I never got around to completing it.

A few more Super Bowl thoughts…

- The MC Hammer commercial was freakin… awesome. MC Hammer = Ratings.

- I thought Charlie Weis had a really bad day gameplanning, but he apparently was a genius last night according to the media, so I won’t complain. He’s gone anyway. He just had a few questionable calls, especially on 3rd downs.

- A waitress spilled soda on my jacket… she kept apologizing and I had no idea why, then about an hour later I reached for my phone and my raincoat was all sticky. I thought liquid was supposed to bead on that. Oh well… she was cute, anyway.

- One day has passed, and it’s one day without Skip Bayless writing a column on how much the Patriots aren’t as good as we think they are, which is good enough for me. So far, the national media has been pretty respectful, so I can’t complain too much. We’ll see what happens next year, though, when the Colts come to Foxboro again.

- I made a fantasy starting lineup of the best players from the 3 championship teams, and 16 of the 26 (I included a few special teams slots) were from this 2004 team. I didn’t repeat any one man (except WR and PR), so it’s a semi-realistic roster (assuming you can travel back in time 4 years). There were 7 from last year, and 3 from ‘01 (Troy Brown had a monster year in 01, both returning punts and recieving). It actually suprised me how consistent some of the numbers were, and how some of the older guys like McGinest, Bruschi, and Harrison have gotten even better as they enter their mid 30s.

- A few “Yankees Suck” chants started up at Good Times, although not too many people jumped in, which is good. There are two things wrong with it. 1: There wasn’t anyone in a Yankee jersey taunting anyone, and 2: Instead of hatred for them, I pity them now, at least until they beat us in the playoffs (or the regular season, for that matter). Outside of a few obnoxious ones, the Yankee fans have been relatively quiet this offseason. Hopefully that ALCS was a dose of reality for them, and their asshole-i-ness has since left them (and inhabited the souls of us greedy Pats fans).

- Last night they showed the Starboy episode of Home Movies. I forgot how funny that episode was. Probably my 3rd favorite behind “Wizard’s Baker” and “The Wedding”. The Mr. Pants song is awesome.

- Even though I wasn’t blown away by it, I had to defend American Dad this morning on the MySpleen message boards. Some kid made a snide remark about how the only people who liked it are stupid liberals and they are stupid liberals because the rest of their age-group are leftists. Well… I set him straight.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOTBAAALLL????//?!!!11one!!1

I’ve fallen victim to pregame hype. While most factors fall in the Patriots way (okay, pretty much everything), I still wonder if it really will be as lopsided as everyone claims. In a situation where I have the most money I’ve had since September and could probably afford to bet some cash on this game, I’m worried that the Eagles will indeed make a game of it, and my bet that the Pats would win and win by more than a TD would be shattered. This Patriots team always makes it close, no matter the opponent (except if its Cleveland after a coaching change, Bledsoe in Foxboro). They usually win by 10-14 points, but it always appears to be much closer when there’s 8 minutes left in the 4th than when the final whistle is blown (which usually isn’t that outrageous, but with a schedule against Arizona, Cleveland, Cincy, San Fran, Buffalo, Miami, and KC, there shoulda been a few more blowouts). I can almost guarantee the Pats will win this game, but let it be known; if the Philadelphia Eagles manage to beat the Patriots on Sunday, it will be one of the most disappointing losses in New England sports history. While I fully admit a victory would mean much more to Philly than it would us, a defeat would be much harsher for us than them.
The problem I have if/when the Pats win is this: They will still not be universally recognized as the best. Maybe they aren’t. I think the 1985 Bears were a better team than any of these Pats teams (although the body of work of this 4-year period is much more impressive than anything in Chicago). But as someone who still worries about how he was percieved throughout high school by others, the insecurity has happened to my sports teams. Instead of being happy I’ve seen 3 Super Bowl championships in a short period without having to wait long, I am still worried more about how the rest of the country sees these Patriots and judges them. When they won the first one, people saw it as the Rams just losing, and 9 out of 10 times, the Rams would win. This feeling was punctuated by their relatively dissapointing 2002 season (although they ended up only missing the playoffs on the third tiebreaker when Brett Favre couldn’t beat the Jets) and even more so when they cut Lawyer Milloy and got raped by the Bills in the season opener of 2003. Of course, outside of a hiccup in DC, they went on to win 21 straight (including a second SB) but even then, people only remember that the Panthers had them on the ropes and should’ve won (if John Kasay hadn’t given them 20 extra yards). Now, the Pats are in a lose-lose situation. If they lose, people will unfairly compare them to the 2004 Yankees, and no one will give a shit about them until they finish 14-2 in 2005, where they will still be picked to lose to the Colts. If they win, people will say it’s because TO wasn’t playing, or he wasn’t at 100%, so if he was healthy, the Eagles would’ve beaten them 146 to -5.
I may be exaggerating the opinion of the rest of the country (or misinterpreting it altogether), but this whole week people have tried to find ways to explain that the Patriots aren’t as good as they say they are. Assholes like Skip Bayless claim that the Pats were lucky that the refs blew the Tuck Rule (yet conviniently look the other way whenever they say Parcells was better, because his legacy would be shit if Norwood made that field goal). Everyone picked the Colts, because the Pats didn’t have any cornerbacks, and Manning had evidently proven himself a legendary Patriots-Killer.
I’m really hoping that next year, the Pats face the Falcons in the Super Bowl. I hope Michael Vick is healthy, I hope Peerless Price sets the single season TD-reception record, I hope Alge Crumpler catches for 1,500 yards, and I hope Warrick Dunn wins the rushing title. Then, the Patriots can sack Michael Vick five times, pick him off whenever he throws to Price, rough up Crumpler so he’s afraid to make a catch over the middle, and force Dunn to fumble twice. I hope the Patriots beat these healthy, world-beating Falcons 55-3. Then, finally, people will start respecting this club. Maybe.

Prediction: 23-13 Patriots. MVP: Bethel Johnson (he’ll take a kickoff to the house and break Philly’s back, a-la Desmond Howard)

BIZAARRROOOOVISSIOONNN

I was inadvertently watching something on Animal Planet a few days ago about a family who raises tigers. They were showing how the tigers can be somewhat domesticated, but they still retain some of their natural hunting instincts. This made me think, which is something I haven’t done for an extended period of time since early December.
What if someone separated a few gorillas from their mothers immediately upon birth? The baby never saw its mother, and therefore wouldn’t identify it as it’s mother (if what we see in cartoons is true, wherein baby animals consider the first thing they see as their mother). The gorilla is raised in a boring white room with a tinted window, having never seen their natural habitat or another gorilla in their life. If it is a female, it would be artificially inseminated and give birth to another gorilla, which would also be separated immediately from the gorilla. There would be multiple generations of this quarantined gorilla, none of them seeing another gorilla or having to use any of their natural instincts or skills. Everything would be fed to them, instead of having to hunt. They would get their exercise with treadmills/hamster wheels or other non-natural methods (such as teaching the gorilla to lift weights… which is a pretty funny image).
This would have to be done to multiple gorillas, because if you think about it, the Adam and Eve theory (as well as the Noah’s Ark story) is flawed because the breeding would eventually go back into the family (Adam and Eve have a kid… who’s he gonna mate with?). After a while, the family tree would go into itself, and the experiment would probably be aborted.
The experiment would be to figure out if you could create a gorilla with no natural instincts at all. One who, if we were to allow it to keep it, would it be protective of its own child? By removing all aspects of its life that would require any instincts at all, and filtering out any lingering genes through reproduction, could someone create a gorilla that does absolutely nothing at all under its own power? Could we breed a gorilla that relies entirely on other humans to give it food, shelter, and even love? Would we call it the Marshall Gorilla? They say to never look a gorilla in the eyes, because it thinks you are challenging it and becomes aggressive. Would our Marshall Gorilla get hostile when we stare it down, Roddy Piper-style?

Probably not.